I accidentally had phone sex last night
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
