I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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