You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
