Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
