I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
