dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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