Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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