i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
