I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
