So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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