She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
