fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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