my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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