Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
