I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
