I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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