bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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