I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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