That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
