Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
