Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
