I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
