can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
