Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
