Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
