How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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