I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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