btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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