Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
