Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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