omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
