When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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