i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
