he thought i was a dude.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
