Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I FOUND THE LEGS
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
