Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
