He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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