My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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