My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This baby is an asshole
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
