You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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