He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I need to sanitize my soul.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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