happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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