when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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