I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
