i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
