My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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