I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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