May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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