Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
