Sponge bath it is.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
